Date: Thu, 5 Sep 2002 02:12:18 -0400
Subject: Re: The First Annual Bitterness Telethon
Status: RO

In alt.religion.kibology, tamaraharris@sprint.ca wrote:
(yes, Kibo and Pacheco do this much better than me so shut up already)


                               Bitterness Telethon
                                         by
                                  Tamara Harris

[ scene:  an old warehouse in Boston with folding chairs facing a makeshift
stage. The audience: Bob Hope, William Shatner, the Tellytubbies and
hundreds more who are wearing paper bags over their heads ]

[ SFX: Overture, curtain, lights! ]

*insane applause*

[ a chorus of kibologists wearing big smiles and Carmen Miranda headgear
dance down a staircase constructed to look like 1,000 baby lobsters. The
staircase parts and a giant stapler on wheels emerges and spins around until
the music stops.  The emcee, Dr. Matt McIrvin,  falls off and nervously
laughs before picking himself up ]

MATT
Thank you!  Thank you all for coming!  I'd like to welcome you all to the
First Annual Telethon to Help Raise Money for a Cure for Bitterness!!

*applause*

MATT
I'd like to thank our wonderful group of volunteers who are manning the
phones for us this evening.  Let's take a moment to introduce them to you.
You there -- who are you?

DARLA
[ Stands up.  Walks over to Matt and slaps him upside the head.]

MATT
Ow.  Okay.  You? [ points ]

PAULA
I'm Paula and this is Anna and Mimi.  We really believe that we can all band
together for such a wonderful cause and we hope to raise lots of money for
the poor unfortunate bitter people of this world!

*applause*

KIBO
[ stands up quickly and points to stage left ]
Would you look at that font on that fake scoreboard sign we are using here
today to tally up the cash??

MATT
Heh!  Okay Kibo.  Just sit down and pick up your telephone.

KIBO
I don't like telephones.  Can they not email me instead?  Or post their
pledges to THE NEWSGROUP THAT WAS CREATED FOR ME!!

MATT
This isn't working.  Alright, lets just quickly give a round of applause for
the rest of our volunteers -- David Delaney, Dr. Marie, Pugg, oTTo, Dag,
Ja-how-did-I-get-sucked-into-doing-this-mes, Con(who has a new cat!)midhe,
The Ur-Beatle himself, jwgh (however the hell you pronounce that) and the
not-so-dead afterall, Mr. Jim Vandewalker!

*roaring applause*

MATT
We will have a wonderful show tonight but you must remember that the reason
we are all here is to fight this terrible, terrible affliction.  Tonight we
will meet many of the sufferers...the ones you probably pass on the street
every day.  The ones whose hearts have blackened from the years of
bitterness.  The ones <wipes tear> who we CAN help!!  Please,  please!!  As
you are watching here with us tonight, think of those who are suffering and
pick up your phone and call the number at the bottom of your screen and make
a pledge to help end this pain.  Or email Kibo.  Remember, we will accept
cash, cheque, money order, credit card or McDonald's coupons.  PLEASE find
it in your heart to make a donation!

<pauses>

<cries hysterically for five minutes>

<regains composure>

MATT
And now lets meet some of our "special people!"  Come on out!  Don't be
shy!!

[ enter Luke Breinig, stage left ]

MATT
Come here Luke!!  Come on!!

LUKE
D00d, I don't know what I'm doing here, okay?  I mean I was bitter before
and then I got not bitter and then I got bitter again and really man, I
don't think I have a problem.  Here, look at my dinosaur tattoo.  Does a guy
who is bitter have a dinosaur tattoo?  I didn't think so!

MATT
[ nervous laughter ]
Thank you Luke!  That was wonderful!  Sammie, sweetheart, can you hear me?

SAM
[ offstage ]
Yes, puppykins!  Would you like me to send out the next one?

MATT
Please, love!

[ enter Joe Manfire, stage left]

JOE
Did you put all of those scantily clad chyxors in the audience just to
torment me??  I am trying my best not to look at them with my Man-Gaze!

MATT
See?   For only a few dollars we might beable to offer help for all of this
bitterness.

Let's just take a bit of a break <sniffle...weep> so that we can re-focus.
We welcome
tonight Kev In Boyz Out and "Naked Singularity" who will perform their
number one hit "Not That I'm..."

*band plays*

[ fade out to commercial ]

<if you put Libby's Libby's Libby's on the label, label, label..>

<zoom, zoom, zoom!>

<who let the dogs out?>

[ fade in ]

*applause*

MATT
Thank you all for coming back!  Oh we have a wonderful surprise here for you
this evening!  The lovely and talented Leah will be auctioning off some
paintings to help our cause.  Welcome, Leah!

LEAH
Hey Matt!  Thanks for asking me here tonight!  <waves to Kibo>  We really
need to make the world aware of how serious this situation is today.  It is
such a tragedy that we have allowed this to go on for so long without trying
to make a difference.  How can anyone NOT want to reach out and help the
bitter llamas?  I don't understand it!!  And next year, we can expand and
include the bitter rakkity-coons and squirrels and pygmy owls!  Oh Matt!
You are doing such a wonderful thing here!  I love you!

MATT
[ sweats ]
Our wonderful Leah!  Leah loves us all!  Let's have a round of
applause for her.  The auction of her fantastic drawings will commence in
the lobby in half an hour.

And now, the moment you have all been waiting for, the reason for this
telethon...I would like you all to meet the one and only lowercase robert
lindsay!!

[SFX:  Here She Is, Miss America]

*audience jumps to their feet cheering!*

MATT
lowercase robert!  Welcome!  It is such an honour to have you here tonight!

lcrl
Indeed.

MATT
We understand that you have been suffering from bitterness for many years
now.

lcrl
Indeed.

MATT
Are you happy to finally have a telethon created to help combat that?
Remember, this was all based on YOUR request!

lcrl
That hawt chyxor in row 2 seat 4, the one who just took the paper bag off
her head to breathe, do you think she violates the rule that
(AgeDaddy - AgeTyler)/2 + AgeTyler < Ageofcutegirl?  She sure does have
really nice wibble-wobble hair.

MATT
[ all flustered, to the volunteers ]
Has ANYONE called in a pledge yet?!?

[ Anna and Mimi are eating McDonald's hamburgers ]

lcrl
Can I go home and play CivIII now?

JOE
I thought you wanted to go to the Mongolian BBQ first?

LUKE
Look, I could be out stalxoring chyx rite now, baybee!

[ enter Nick Bensema, stage left ]

NICK
[ out of breath ]
Am I late??  What did I miss?  I was on the final round of Pac Man and I
didn't get to start it until Iron Chef finished and the only reason I was
watching that was because that girl I met in the laundry room gave me a
fakety-fake telephone number and ...

MATT
I think that is about all the time we have tonight folks.

[ cut to Naked Singularity ]

[ SFX:  Teen Spirit ]

KIBO
[ mic is still on ]
But I told you Matt!  I don't LIKE phones!!

[end]

~T