Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 02:50:35 -0500 (EST) Subject: Re: NO! NO! NO! NO! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology [Explanation: Nick Bensema complained that he had a paper to write on submarines, and calculated that if he wrote a page a day he'd finish it on time. Someone else pointed out it would be possible for each Kibologist to write a paragraph, and so to construct a valid and Intellectual paper Nick could then turn in. The rest was, as they say, history...] sunburn@seanet.com (Louis Nick III) says: >haon4707@my-dejanews.com says... >> On 05 Feb 1999, teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu spasmed: >> >jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU (Joseph Michael Bay) writes: >> >> stacia@io.com.guacamole (The Avocado Avenger) writes: >> >> ]dean.lenort@att.net (Dean Lenort) writes: >> >> ]]On 04 Feb 1999, rsholmes@rodan.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes) beabled: >> >> ]]]beable@my-dejanews.com writes: >> >> ]]]] mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matt McIrvin) wrote: >> >> ]]]] >> >> ]]]]] Since the dawn of the beginning of history mankind has looked upon the >> >> ]]]]] bottom of the ocean as his "last frontier." During the Second World War >> >> ]]]]] this last frontier became a battleground upon which the fortunes of >> >> ]]]]] nations and lives and heroic men were played as dice by playful gods >> >> ]]]]] looking down upon the petty dealings of submarines and submariners plying >> >> ]]]]] their hazardous and deadly trade upon the depths of the ocean floor as >> >> ]]]]] from the height of lofty Olympus. In these stupefyingly tremendous >> >> ]]]]] suboceanic melees the struggle to survive was paramount. In one moment the >> >> ]]]]] impact of a deadly and unexpected torpedo could mean the very difference >> >> ]]]]] between life itself and death most sudden, leaving not even the chance for >> >> ]]]]] the unrepentant German U-Boat crewmember to make his doubtful peace with >> >> ]]]]] whatever gods may be on lofty Olympus or elsewhere. Now that you have >> >> ]]]]] read this paragraph you know that many battles raged beneath the sea >> >> ]]]]] during World War II. I hope that you enjoyed reading this paragraph as >> >> ]]]]] much as I enjoyed writing it. >> >> ]]]] >> >> ]]]]Leading Seaman Bensema couldn't keep his mind on the >> >> ]]]]job. He kept thinking about his girlfriend, Valerie, >> >> ]]]]working in the United Nations builing in New Yoik. >> >> ]]]]He thought of her soft, pink... *WHANG!!!!* >> >> ]]]]Chief Petty Officer Willis whanged Bensema upside the >> >> ]]]]head with a twelve-inch crescent wrench! "BENSEMA!!!", >> >> ]]]]she shouted, "I WANT THOSE BRASS KNOBS POLISHED UNTIL >> >> ]]]]THEY GLEAM!!!". LS Bensema (LSB for short (COME BACK >> >> ]]]]LEE!! ALL IS FORGIVEN!! (Well no it's not, but come >> >> ]]]]back anyway!))) continued polishing the knob he had >> >> ]]]]been working on before the RUDE INTERRUPTION IKYWMF, >> >> ]]]]AITYD!!!1! As LSB (That's Leading Seaman Bensema, >> >> ]]]]remember!) lazily polished the submarine's brass knobs, >> >> ]]]]his thoughts again drifted back to Valerie. Why did he >> >> ]]]]join the Submarine Service? Right now he could have been >> >> ]]]]touching her soft pink plastic skin, French-kissing her >> >> ]]]]rotating tongue and frantically trying to copulate with >> >> ]]]]each of her three impenetrable holes in turn. WHY OH >> >> ]]]]WHY DID HE BUY THE CHASEY LANE LEEERRRRVVVV DOLL? >> >> ]]]]WHY DID HE NAME HER VALERIE?? WILL HE GET THE SUBMARINE'S >> >> ]]]]BRASS KNOBS SHINY ENOUGH TO PASS INSPECTION BY CHIEF >> >> ]]]]PETTY OFFICER WILLIS? You will find out, when somebody >> >> ]]]]writes... THE NEXT PARAGRAPH!! >> >> ]]] >> >> ]]]Before examining further the development of submarine warfare in World >> >> ]]]War II it would be useful to review the conditions under which >> >> ]]]submarines operate. Submarines navigate in an environment known as >> >> ]]]the "ocean"[1][2] which is a large region of the earth, closer to the >> >> ]]]center of the earth than the "continents", filled with "sea water". >> >> ]]]"Sea water" is water with certain salts and other trace elements >> >> ]]]dissolved therein. Water, one of the most common compounds found on >> >> ]]]our planet, is a molecule consisting of a single atom of oxygen >> >> ]]](atomic number 8, atomic weight 15.9994) joined to two atoms of >> >> ]]]hydrogen (atomic number 1, atomic weight 1.0079). Under conditions of >> >> ]]]standard temperature and pressure water is a liquid, although when >> >> ]]]cooled to zero degrees Celsius (32 degrees Fahrenheit) it solidifies, >> >> ]]]forming a substance known as "ice", while at 100 degrees Celsius (212 >> >> ]]]degrees Fahrenheit) it vaporizes. The main constituent of sea water, >> >> ]]]other than water, is the salt whose chemical name is sodium chloride >> >> ]]](NaCl), consisting of a single atom of sodium (atomic weight 11, >> >> ]]]atomic number 22.99977) and a single atom of chlorine (atomic weight >> >> ]]]17, atomic number 35.453) in an ionic bond. It is interesting to note >> >> ]]]that sodium and chlorine are separately poisonous, reactive, dangerous >> >> ]]]substances but when combined yield a salt which is vital to life and >> >> ]]]an essential component to one's diet, taken in moderation. Other >> >> ]]]minerals found in sea water include magnesium. The oceans are an >> >> ]]]important feature of our planet, "Earth", which is the third planet in >> >> ]]]our solar system. Orbiting the Sun at a distance of approximately >> >> ]]]93,000,000 miles, the Earth takes one year to complete a revolution >> >> ]]]and rotates once in twenty-four hours. Earth has one natural >> >> ]]]satellite, the Moon, orbiting at a distance of approximately 250,000 >> >> ]]]miles and completing both one revolution and one rotation about every >> >> ]]]29 days. It is in this context that submarine warfare arose. >> >> ]]] >> >> ]]][1] Some authorities prefer the more concise term, "sea". >> >> ]]][2] More precisely, submarines operate in any of several oceans. >> >> >> >> ]]But when this subject was succeeded by his account of Mr Wickham, when she >> >> ]]read with somewhat clearer attention, a relation of events, which, if >> >> ]]true, must overthrow every cherished opinion of his worth, and which bore >> >> ]]so alarming an affinity to his own history of himself, her feelings were >> >> ]]yet more acutely painful and more difficult of definition. Astonishment, >> >> ]]apprehension, and even horror, oppressed her. She wished to discredit it >> >> ]]entirely, repeatedly exclaiming, 'This must be false! This cannot be! >> >> ]]This must be the grossest falsehood!' - and when she had gone through the >> >> ]]whole letter, though scarcely knowing any thing of the last page or two, >> >> ]]put it hastily away, protesting that she would not regard it, that she >> >> ]]would never look in it again. Submarines are also often referred to as >> >> ]]leviathans of the deep. >> >> >> >> ] The nuclear submarine was first manufactured in 1947 Nazi Germany, and >> >> ]was kept a tightly-guarded secret until Hitler's death in 1952. The Axis >> >> ]Powers' pathetic attempt at covering up the true cause of Hitler's death >> >> ]lead to the inevitable discovery of the secret fleet of German Nuclear >> >> ]U-Boats, called H-Boats, or Nuklarbooten in Germany. The United States' >> >> ]crack team of nuclear physicists -- namely, F.H. Crick, James D. Watson, >> >> ]and Albert R. Einstein -- began working immediately on a fleet of >> >> ]submarines which could be used to preserve the peace. >> >> ] And what they developed did just that. The United Nations Submarine >> >> ]Fleet helped patrol the waters of Afghanistan and Viet Nam during the >> >> ]years of the Cold War. American submarines became symbols of freedom and >> >> ]peace, especially in the late 1950s; the popular wisdom of the time was >> >> ]that, in case of nuclear attack, our nation's Navy would be safe in the >> >> ]waters of the ocean, and would be able to bomb the Communist scourge back >> >> ]to the Stone Age. The president even had his own personal nuclear >> >> ]submarine, aptly named the Enola Gay. >> >> ] The history of the nuclear submarine took a deadly turn in the 1960s. >> >> ]Several highly-publicized nuclear submarine accidents made the UN and the >> >> ]US both reconsider their stance on the use of nuclear fusion to power >> >> ]underwater vessels. In 1963, the submarine Three Miles Island sand in the >> >> ]North Atlantic, killing all crewmembers aboard. In 1969, the submarine >> >> ]Enterprise exploded in Pearl Harbor, killing half of the crew and injuring >> >> ]the other half. Many of the injured displayed the same peculiar symptoms >> >> ]that the surviving Nazi Nuklarbooten officers had twenty years earlier -- >> >> ]flaking skin, full, pouty lips, loss of appetite, and slight headache. A >> >> ]few short years later, Watson and Crick identified this new illness, and >> >> ]named it "nuclear fallout". The fate of the nuclear submarine was now >> >> ]sealed. >> >> >> >> Prior to the invention of the nuclear submarine, the most powerful >> >> undersea navy belonged to the United States. It was largely used in >> >> the post-World-War-I battles against the Deep Ones, a race of blasphemous >> >> fish-men whose civilization was ancient when man was yet fighting >> >> hyenae with rocks. American submarines were instrumental in the >> >> destruction of the Deep One city of Y'ha-nthlei, off the coast of >> >> Massachussetts, following a daring land invasion by the misshapen sea >> >> creatures in 1930. The war effort was brought to a halt after several >> >> more years of unresolved conflict after Nazi U-boat commanders, at this >> >> point secret allies in the war against the palaeogean menace of Cyclopean >> >> and many-columned R'lyeh, began going insane. By the mid-1930s, they >> >> were attacking European trans-Atlantic shipping and annexing the >> >> Sudetenland by an ingenious network of canals. To this day, the war >> >> between humans and Deep Ones continues, but the technology has advanced >> >> thanks to the use of alien balloon technology. Alien undersea balloons, >> >> a gift from our Galactic Masters, have enabled the navies of the US and >> >> the United Kingdom to gain the upper hand once more on the minions of >> >> Great Cthulhu. Stupendous and unheard-of splendors await me below, and >> >> I shall seek them soon. Ia-R'lyehl Cthulhu flgagnl Id Ia! >> > >> >The greatest technical hurdle skinning the shins of Allied submarine >> >engineers, however, was one that did not so confound the Nazi submariners: >> >whale farts. Atlantic whales are mammals, not fish, and therefore >> >must periodically break wind ('ambergris') through their blowholes. >> >These tremendous plooms of stinkey gas constantly rising up from the >> >deep off the Atlantic coast of America could disable prototype American >> >submarines, especially if someone lit a match. Notably, the person who >> >solved this terrible dilemma was none other than Thomas Edison, who >> >remarked upon the first successful American submarine voyage: "We got >> >it! We got that fuckarino! That's not cancer, that's my fetal twin!" >> > >> >> The results of World War II are ample evidence of the astonishing >> power of the nuclear submarine. The following is an artists rendition >> of the stunning results of WW2: >> >> >> >> o o o >> ooo >> x x >> >> >> o o >> >> oo >> o o >> >> o >> >> >> o o o >> o >> +------KEY------+ >> |o= sunken boat | >> |x= sunken sub. | >> +---------------+ > 0123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678 > ^ ^ ^ ^ >1507 1645 1760 1980 Disco declared dead, >War begins. | Treaty of Sheptland Is. people lose the will to > First cease-fire fight. > >FIGURE 1A: A statistical plot of kills by submarines in WWII >Each mark represents 70 vessels. The x-axis is the length of >WWII in decades. The y-axis is approximate collateral damage >in hundreds of millions of deaths (log scale) > > As the figure shows, though submarine warfare was by no means the >culprit for most of the deaths that occurred over the span of WWII, it was >responsible for eliminating most of the habitable surface area of planet >Earth. However, this obvious crime against life must be weighed against the >benefit of guaranteeing humanity's impetus to leave its contemporary aerobic >form. > The reader would benefit from Prof. D. Delaney's monumental work, _The >Fall of Humanity_ (unabridged). The multi-volume treatise indicates that >the remainder of Earth's population took upon itself the symbolic act of >destroying the submarines, now sentient, and build the biological reactors >that would rebuild their race. > /Homo submarinus/, having achieved unified world government and peace >with the universal "Inner Ballast Tank," sacrificed itself nobly for >humanity's sake. The last submarine scuttled on September 13, 1999, and the >Age of SuperSubMen began. Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 03:24:39 -0500 (EST) Subject: Re: Rambling From: david_pacheco@lineone.net (David Pacheco) Status: RO etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca (Etienne Rouette) wrote: > wheelsa@aol.com says... > > >Dag ]gren FYSI whined... > > >>Also, Half-Life has a gun that fires glowing supersonic bees. > > What about Pumas? Bees have never, ever been observed in nature (that's > > where > > You're such a bozo. Everyone knows bees have never, ever been observed in > nature, because they are a scientific impossibility. It's been proven > many times over that bees are too heavy to fly. The only place they can > be observed is in a controlled environment, that is a hot air balloon > filled with void. Since bees are lighter than void, they just float > around inside the balloon until one of their darts hit the side of the > balloon, causing it to explode, therefore killing the poor bees > instantly. Your explanation is temptingly close to the truth, and yet so mind- numbingly wrong that it is all I can do to prevent myself from bursting with laughter at your attempts at demonstrate scientific reasoning. Allow me to interject the Solemn Voice of Scientific Truth into this Mindless Babble of Contradictory Evidence. Bees are, in effect, too heavy to fly. UNLESS (and this is the discovery that has brought me to near-anonymity in the scientific circles in which I dance)... ...they are filled with helium. It's easy to laugh, I know... I know because I used to laugh at this obviously preposterous idea myself, until I was presented with the jaw- dropping proof. The remarkable mammal that is known as the bee (Apidae Siniestra) works almost as if it were a submarine in reverse, except with far more efficiency. A submarine can only rise to the surface if it has ballast to drop or unload, and enough oxygen remaining in its tanks to make it bouyant enough to counteract its own weight in the water. If the submarine runs out of ballast, or if the amount of oxygen in its tanks drops below the critical level determined by the weight of the ship, it will plummet to the ocean floor, and all hands aboard will perish horribly, clawing at their own throats as their eyes bulge and veins pop, the last few survivors gathered around the infamous "camel cactus" plant, so known for its ability to carry oxygen around in its cells for several weeks after its own supply has been cut off. There, they will recount their seafaring stories and anecdotes for one last time, smoke their last cigarettes, and then lie down to die. But back to the bee: the bee produces helium in highly sophisticated generators located in the back of the bee's throat, just below the ephemereal cavity. Remarkably efficient machines, these generators can produce up to 1.5 m^3 of oxygen a day, enough to allow the tiny bee to rise well into the upper layers of the Earth's troposphere up to SEVEN TIMES each day. However, the bee does not spend all its time rising and falling under its own helium power, as the constant change in air pressure can damage the bee's inner ear, which is the only thing that keeps it from spinning in circles like a top. Or like a bee on a top attached to a gyroscope in a G-force simulator inside a carousel tied to the spokes of a Big Wheel. The bee's internal endocrinal system controls the production of helium by a sophisticated message-based control: when the bee is approaching the ground too rapidly, or the bee senses that there is something "further up" that requires investigation (e.g. pollen), the endocrinal muscles in the bee's upper scrotalis tighten, squeezing massive amounts of adrenaline through the bee's body and into the helium generators. They kick into overdrive, consuming vast amounts of Oxygen that has been absorbed through the bee's reticulae, and separating the oxygen into its component atoms: helium and torllium. The torllium is ejected as waste and falls harmlessly to the ground, and the helium is piped through an intricate array of... well, pipes, I guess... into tiny "reverse ballast" tanks located on either side of the bee's phonetic genitalia. The bee slows in its plummet to the ground, steadies -- as the combined system of gravity, air pressure, helium and the bee's body achieve balance -- and then begins to rise. Of course, if the helium generators were to stay "in gear" forever, the bee would fly straight up into the air, past the troposphere and the kibosphere, and keep shooting out of the Earth's atmosphere completely. This is where the bee's inner ear mechanisms come into play: as soon as the bee has detected the air pressure changes that signal that it is approaching the elevation required, it releases the helium through tiny pores surrounding the soft tissue in its anal fissure. This comes as a relief to the bee, as it releases a significant amount of pressure, since its bee's body has become swollen, its skin cracked and dry due to the effects of holding this gas in. Successful experiments by Dr. James Honeywell in the late 60's record a barely audible high-pitched "grunt" from the bee preceding this release of helium, followed by an almost imperceptible sigh. These experiments were conducted by placing the bee in a self-contained environment (in this case, a balloon), and simulating within this container the air pressure that exists in the upper levels of the Earth's atmosphere (in this case, by sitting on it). The sounds were recorded with a tiny lapel microphone attached to the bee's tiny dinner jacket, which Dr. Honeywell had tailored specifically for this experiment. As an interesting aside, the "buzzing" noise captured on the tape was merely the background noise of a battery-operated vibrator that was turned on at the time of the experiment, to relieve Dr. Honeywell's "demonick colick of ye stomack and afforted paynes of ye backe," as he so eloquently described it in his paper presented to the Worldwide Conference on Scientific Perversity of 1877. The urban legend that bees "buzz" was started by that self-same background noise on this widely- distributed tape, and the myth still holds sway over the minds of dull, unimaginative children the world over. This combination system of pressure, air/gas containment, ballast release and inner ear pressure detection were first noticed in the late 1920's, and applied successfully in the creation of the world's first submarine... and thus, Mr. Bensema, your paper is complete. LE FINITO ESTA OVER! Q.E.D. > David Pacheco will now expand on this theory or correct me in my > wrongitude. No I won't, and I resent the implication that I am somehow a kook. > Etienne Rouette Gesundheit. -dp.