From kibo@world.std.com Sat Mar 3 02:14:41 2001 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: STORY (new): The Amazingly Unrealistic Adventures Of Bat-Einstein Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Fri, 2 Mar 2001 23:10:03 GMT NNTP-Posting-Host: potsie.std.com Organization: welcome datacomp X-Newsreader: Mr. Newsreader Lite Junior Starter Kit Limited Edition For Teens (BETA) Lines: 351 Path: news.vic.com!tor-nx1.netcom.ca!diablo.netcom.net.uk!netcom.net.uk!newsfeed.mesh.ad.jp!uunet!osa.uu.net!sac.uu.net!ash.uu.net!world!kibo Xref: news.vic.com alt.religion.kibology:90066 I wrote this a few nights ago. I tend to write stuff like this when I have lots of other important work to do. Warning: Story may contain a new use for monkey poop. /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// The Amazingly Unrealistic Adventures Of BAT-EINSTEIN! nanananananananananana BAT-EINSTEIN! Copyright (C) 2001 James "Kibo" Parry Spot burped, which caused him to sink to the bottom of the vat of radioactive benzinated camphor. He swallowed some before he could climb out of the vat. "Professor Einstein, I still don't think your glasses are in there." "Nonsense, silly puppy! I dropped them in there this morning! Be a dear and try a fourth time." Spot sighed and commenced another exploration of the toxic, caustic, radioactive, icky-tasting radioactive slurry. He couldn't find Einstein's glasses anywhere, which was ironic given that because they had dissolved, they were everywhere. But at least Spot knew that by helping Einstein with these household tasks, the great scientist would be granted extra minutes to do scientific research today. "Hey, I found a potato chip!" yelled Einstein, with his head jammed between the sofa cushions. He ate it (it made a curious Styrofoam-like noise) and began jumping up and down on the beat-up old sofa while singing part of "Jingle Bells". "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells..." But then Einstein forgot the words. "La la la la la la la la. Spot, what comes after 'Jingle Bells'?" "'Batman Smells.'" "BRILLIANT!" yelled Einstein. "It's funny because it's true! After a hard day of fighting super-criminals, the inside of his tight lycra costume would smell like a mixture of super-sweat and New Batmobile Smell! He must sweat more than most regular police officers who don't climb up the outside of buildings. He's probably got jock itch from his neck to his toes. I must come to the aid of this stalwart crime-fighter... I shall concentrate my research on finding a way to deodorize Batman!" So, Albert Einstein dedicated the next year of his life to finding a way to make Batman smell better. And Spot never found Einstein's glasses. However, eventually, Einstein discovered the fundamental structure of the atoms in Batman's body. "You see, Spot, my theory of Super Relativity says that because Batman is a superhero, he is chemically different from all other people. The Bat-Atoms are what give Batman his super powers." "But, Professor, Batman doesn't have any super powers!" Einstein clapped his hands over his ears. "YOU'RE LYING YOU'RE LYING BATMAN DOES TOO HAVE SUPER POWERS!" He cried until he found another potato chip, which made him sing "Jingle Bells" for a while until Spot reminded him about the "Batman Smells" part which made him get back to his important scientific research. Some time later, Einstein had managed to harness the awesome power of Bat-Atoms. By accelerating a stream of ionized spandex to the speed of disco lighting, Einstein had split the Bat-Atom! Awesome forces were unleashed, forces so awesome that they were wholly beyond anyone's ability to perceive them so it looked like nothing was happening. But Einstein, being a scientist, KNEW that stuff was happening even though there was no way to see, measure, or detect that anything was happening! "Oh," said Spot. "I'm sure whatever happened is pretty in some sort of abstract conceptual way that can't be seen, felt, or appreciated." "Yes, Spot, I have progressed from the theory of Bat-Atoms to basic research into manipulating Bat-Atoms and now I am ready to invent a device that will reduce Batman's stinkiness for once and for all." With that, Einstein locked himself in the bathroom for a week, and when he came out, he was holding a small gizmo with a pistol grip. The bathroom, of course, was a shambles from the furious inventing which had happened within (that's why Einstein never tried to invent stuff in the living room.) Spot looked at the compact thingie in Einstein's hand. "Gosh, it's a small thing-a-ma-hickey. What's that doo-bob?" Einstein tried to point at the pistol with his left hand, which was holding the pistol so that didn't work, but he moved the pistol to his right hand and then he was able to point to it. "This, Spot, is my greatest invention ever. It's even better than the time I invented a way to transmit aerosol cheez through the speakers of car radios. Spot, you see before you the world's first Bat-Atom-Tronic Deodorizifier." "You mean it will make Batman stop stinking up the Batcave with his fetid odor?" "Perhaps it will, Spot, perhaps it will. In theory it will, but in theories anything is possible. We won't know if this device was constructed correctly until I power it up and let the onboard computer go through its diagnostic cycle." He used a ballpoint pen to push a tiny button on the side of the gun and its tiny screen displayed: THIS IS NOT A BAT-ATOM-TRONIC DEODORIZIFIER. THIS RESULT IS UNEXPECTED. THAT DOES NOT MEAN IT SHOULD NOT BE USED. IN FACT, THIS DEVICE SHOULD BE USED WHENEVER YOU WANT TO --MORE-- (Einstein pushed the button again:) KILL BATMAN! THAT'S RIGHT, YOU ACCIDENTALLY INVENTED A SPECIAL KIND OF GUN THAT KILLS BATMAN. IT'S THE ONLY THING THIS GUN CAN DO. I HOPE YOU'RE PROUD OF YOURSELF, YOU STUPID BATMAN-HATING JERK. PRESS BUTTON AGAIN TO REPEAT THIS MESSAGE. "Darn it!" yelled Einstein, "My theory of Bat-Atoms has some sort of flaw, loophole, or bug, and so I invented an evil thing! I must be careful never to kill Batman with this gun or people will mistake me for one of those EVIL mad scientists!" "Don't worry, Professor. If it's like your other inventions, it probably doesn't even work. So in that case history will remember you as a great scientist who never did evil because he couldn't invent anything that worked." "You're right, we MUST test this gun. I can't stand not knowing whether I will be remembered as a failure or a monster. But I will fire the gun once and only once, at this special non-Batman-like mannequin, and then I will destroy the gun and all my research notes and all other evidence that this gun ever existed. I must test, then destroy, this gun to advance science." Einstein pointed the gun at his non-Batman-like mannequin, which was so non-Batman-like that it wasn't even a mannequin, much less Batman -- it was an inflatable chair shaped like Jar Jar Binks. Although Einstein had spent many a happy hour sitting in the lap of Jar Jar, sometimes science requires sacrifice, and Jar Jar would have to be popped. Einstein slowly squeezed the trigger -- -- just as Batman jumped in through the window! The deadly Bat-Atom-Tronic beam hit him square in the chest, right in the middle of his logo, where a superhero's solar plexus resides. Batman fell to the floor and gasped, "Here, I found your wallet in the street," and died, Einstein's dirty wallet clutched in his dead hand. "WAAH!" cried Spot, "YOU KILLED BATMAN! YOU BASTARD!" Einstein was in shock, and just stood there holding his stupid Batman-killing gun. For a moment he wondered if this was a hallucination, but then he remembered that guns don't kill superheroes, people kill superheroes, and he was a person, so he must have killed Batman! Thinking quickly, he ran into the kitchen and jammed the gun into the garbage disposal. A tornado of blue sparks shot upwards as the whirling steel blades chewed up Einstein's prototype. Einstein grabbed Spot and shook him. "WE'VE GOT TO GET RID OF THIS BODY!" he hollered. "THEY CAN'T FIND ME WITH THIS CORPSE! I'M A FAMOUS SCIENTIST!" Working together, the two of them managed to jam Batman's body into the Hide-A-Bed, folding him out of sight. They hurriedly threw themselves onto the couch just as Robin (The Boy Wonder) swooped into the room. Robin looked around. "Batman? Where are you? Gosh and wow! Batman's gone! Jeepers, Batman's gone!" Einstein put his arm around Robin. "Boy Wonder, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your friend Batman was... MURDERED... by someone who wasn't a scientist and didn't cram his body into a Hide-A-Bed." "Holy Jesus! I shan't be able to fight crime all by my lonesome! I'm not legally empowered to fight crime except as a sidekick to a duly deputized superhero of the law!" Robin began to cry, and not in the comical manner of Spot, but in a heart-rending torrent of pathos. "Don't cry, Boy Wonder, everything's okay, for you see, I, Einstein, will be the new Batman!" "Holy stuff, do you really mean that? You will assist me in fighting crime by allowing me to be your sidekick?" "Sure, if you also provide employment for my faithful puppy Spot." And with that, the New Dynamic Duo of Einstein, Robin, and Spot was formed. The three of them counted as a duo because Spot didn't really count, as he was just a dog, so they made him Robin's sidekick. Spot's job was limited to hanging his head out the Batmobile window to leave a trail of drool along the highway to make it easier for them to find they way back to the Batcave after a long car chase. Of course, the commute from Einstein's apartment to the Batcave in Gotham City was rather long, and it annoyed Einstein to have to take a taxi to the Batcave every time a crime broke out, so he hired a moving company to cut the Batcave out of the rocky landscape and move the whole thing into his seventh-floor apartment. He tipped each of the movers a dollar as he asked them not to tell anyone his secret identity. The movers thanked him heartily. "What, would we tell anyone that Einstein and Batman are the same person? That's not the sort of thing a sane person tells anyone!" Einstein was thrilled to be living the life of a superhero, just like his favorites, Space Angel, Space Ace, Ace Ventura, and Jesse Ventura! And fighting crime had its perks. Einstein got to punch bad guys after they tied up Robin. (The Crimefighter's Code required him to let his sidekick get captured before he could beat up anyone.) He also got a sweet handshake from each fashion model he saved. "Wow!" said Einstein, "My first handshake from a girl!" Bat-Einstein, Robin, and dumb little Spot had little trouble dealing with Gotham City's rogue's gallery of supervillains. There was Futtbungus, who they tied up with his own jockstrap. And Wrinkle Woman, who they captured by hypnotizing her with a revolving bust of Andy Griffith. And The Spud, who they pushed into a deep-fryer for his crime of trying to steal all the potato chips from all the couches in Gotham City. (Then Bat-Einstein ate the potato chips as payment for his services rendered.) Bat-Einstein also made short work of Count Spatula, Flaming Nerdo, The Potwasher, The Albino Abcedarian, Burflap, The Enemaniac, The Midtown Globetrotters, Dr. Chicken, The Bessemer Princess, Gooey Gus, Carrot Bottom, The Teletubas, Peter Pangea, Wormstretcher, King Qwerty, The Leaker, and The Florence Henderson Fan Club. BIFF! THWAPP! SOCKO! ZOWIE! GLUNK! WOXWOX! But little did they know that they were about to come face to face with the most hideous villain yet. He was Arnold Schwarzenegger! And he had purple monkey makeup, and a handful of monkey feces! "I um da Turdinator!" he bellowed. Bat-Einstein winced. "Your sobriquet is puerile, akin to the attempts at puns in the titles of porno movies, except with doo-doo instead of fucking. And I am sure your super powers are no match for mine, which are all the super powers of Batman plus all the super powers of Einstein." The Turdinator grinned Aryanly. "My powers are dat I can transmit turds telepathically!" He squeezed the handful of monkey poop and concentrated on it. Instantly, the turd disappeared, and reappeared at the exact center of Spot's brain! "Help me!" wailed Spot, "I've a turd in my brain!" Then, suddenly, he was seized with a desire to watch the XFL and left the story to pursue his stupid football passion. The Turdinator took a step closer to Bat-Einstein and Robin. "So, now it is one against two. I like doze odds." Robin clutched Bat-Einstein's shoulders. "Golly, Bat-Einstein! Stop him before he craps again!" Bat-Einstein had a brainstorm. He unbuckled his utility belt and dumped its entire contents onto the ground. Then he jumped into the enormous pile of stuff. The Turdinator would never be able to find him among these thousands of silly gadgets! Too bad about Robin, though. He tried the same trick but his belt just contained half a roll of Mentos. Robin was turded into oblivion. The Turdinator began to rummage through the pile of Bat-Electric-Tweezers, Bat-Inflatable-Nutcrackers, Bat-Bumper-Pool-Table-Bumper-Sharpeners, and Bat-Edible-Pixels to find Bat-Einstein, but he was nowhere to be found. This was because all the Bat-Stuff in the Bat-Utility Belt had included a Bat-Trapdoor-That-Leads-To-The-White-House. "Why, hello, Bat-Einstein," said President Brock Manly, "What brings you to the White House?" "There's no time to lose, Mr. President! Watch out for turds!" Bat-Einstein shoved the President aside and jumped out the window. President Manly watched Bat-Einstein run away and wiped a tear from his eye. "There goes one of the finest American citizens the world has ever seen." Bat-Einstein ran across Washington, D.C. towards the Lincoln Memorial. He knew that his ruse wouldn't fool The Turdinator for long, because Arnold Schwarzenegger in purple monkey makeup couldn't be as stupid as he looked. Reaching the giant statue of Abraham Lincoln, Bat-Einstein climbed into its lap and removed the ballpoint pen from where it had been behind his ear since he had put it there earlier (which wasn't mentioned because it was a SECRET plot point.) He poked the pen into Lincoln's belly button and the statue began to shake. Bat-Einstein jumped off just as America's greatest secret weapon, Robo-Lincoln, came to life. "CRUSH!--KILL!--DESTROY!" howled Robo-Lincoln, just as The Turdinator came splashing through the reflecting pool (which would now need to be flushed.) Robo-Lincoln's giant marble fist met Schwarzenegger's soft, squishy head with a loud *PLAF!* and the world breathed a sigh of relief as it became clear that there would never be a sequel to "Hercules Goes Bananas". The two most important cities in the United States, Gotham City and Washington, D.C., were saved! Well, okay, Washington was mostly destroyed anyway because Bat-Einstein forgot to turn off Robo-Lincoln before it knocked over all the buildings and raped President Manly. But otherwise it was a pretty good day. Bat-Einstein hopped onto the D.C. subway, heading back to Gotham City on the secret train that goes directly to the Batcave from any city in the United States. Of course, he never got there, because Sigmund Freud ambushed him with his Bat-Einstein-Atom-Tronic Deodorizifier, rendering Bat-Einstein dead but still smelly. nanananananananananana The End! /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Hope you liked this story. If not, the address to write to for a refund is: comments@xfl.com (Attention: Basil V. DeVito Jr., President of the XFL.) -- K. > WHAT DOES XFL STAND FOR? > > The letters XFL are not an abbreviation. > The name of the league IS NOT the Xtreme Football League. -- the XFL Web site