Article 130541 of alt.religion.kibology: From: tanner@math.wisc.edu (Stephen Will Tanner) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k Subject: MSTed: Agent Action! Date: 16 Apr 1997 18:19:26 GMT Flizzm: Flazzm [A MiSTing of the Agent Action! ad that was crossposted all over the alt.* hierarchy about...3 weeks ago. Dang, I'm slow...] [Satellite of Love. Mike is relaxing. The bots are reading from a terminal and nodding appreciatively] CROW: Hey, Mike, want to join our little circle? SERVO: Yeah, savor the best things in life while you can. MIKE: What's all this about? CROW: net.kooks! SERVO: Yeah, you can't beat 'em for entertainment value! MIKE: Well... CROW: Here, just sample a little of this. MIKE: [reads, mumbling] Hello Folks, here is some more information about the guys from Sirius... mmm...mmm-hmm. [looks up] Wow, that's really...something. CROW: Vintage John_-_Winston! SERVO: And sample a little of this. MIKE: [skims it] Hmm... a distinct nutty aftertaste. SERVO: Robert McElwaine's trademark! MIKE: Uh-oh, Yogi the Telepathic Dog is calling. [Pearl's minivan] PEARL: Okay kids, ready for another dose of pure spamming satisfaction? [S.O.L.] MIKE: Can't I just read deranged rantings from the loons of yesteryear? SERVO: Yeah, here's a real good one. From September 1993, a very good year. [Minivan] Pearl: Ha ha! You wish. This is an ad for a piece of drek so sexist it'd make Clarence Thomas look like Gloria Steinem. Posted by bad actor, bad director, and bad grammarian William Blair. It's called AGENT ACTION! And I think it'll sting. [S.O.L.] SERVO: [lurching at the terminal] Read this bit, here. MIKE: RE-ORBIT the sexy psychic plants to create born-again p-adics? Oh no, we've got USENET SIGN! . . . . . > From: agent@action.com SERVO: action.com, the ISP with kung-fu grip! MIKE: You and your kung-fu grip jokes... > Newsgroups: alt.fan.hello-kitty > Subject: ****AGENT ACTION!*** CROW: [Starts tipping over to the left] SERVO: Uh-oh. Here: * CROW: Thanks! > Date: Wed, 2 Apr 1997 02:00:16 > Organization: Concentric Internet Services > Lines: 218 MIKE: 218 lines about 536 women. CROW: Yeah, that's if Trent Reznor was Hugh Hefner. SERVO: Trent Reznor IS Hugh Hefner IS Agent Action! > Message-ID: <5ht834$fne@chronicle.concentric.net> > NNTP-Posting-Host: cnc012036.concentric.net > 1 > ** "CLONING" MOVIE MAY PROVOKE THEATER RIOTS! ** CROW: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO "CLONE" MOVIE. YOU SHOULD JUST "SIT" QUIETLY WHILE "WATCHING" MOVIE. SERVO: Do not yell "clone!" in a crowded theater. MIKE: Do not yell "theater!" in a crowded fire. > Anticipation is so high SERVO: No, Bill, *you* are high. > for the new sci-fi action movie AGENT > ACTION! that international theater owners are worried. Some feel > their venues may be the magnet for riots. One of the movies main > themes is human cloning. CROW: [playing dumb] Wow, that's interesting. The FIRST time this was posted, it didn't mention cloning at all. SERVO: [Imitating William Blair] Text search...replace all occurrences of "lasers" with "cloning"...Crosspost to hell and back... > With cloning as a red-hot topic and the movies anticipated big budget > look with gorgeous nude US playmates, the number of moviegoers is > predicted to be record breaking! MIKE: Remedial wood shop teachers across the nation face the lowest attendance in weeks! > AGENT ACTION! is reported to be a sci-fi flick in the secret agent > "Bond" Style. It sports exotic locations, impressive cinematography, > and the aforementioned naked, big-breasted actresses. SERVO: Hey pal, if you'd mentioned big breasts, I woulda NOTICED! MIKE: Yeah! >(Including Erika Olsen > / Playboy > Mar 97) The movie stars and is directed by charismatic and multi > talented new leading man William Blair. SERVO: Who isn't me. Really. > It features celebrity guest villains and > co-stars the > talented Jerry Lee Kmiec. SERVO: Oh, is the great Jerry Lee Kermit going to... CROW: [interrupts] That's K-miec. MIKE: Maniac? SERVO: ENIAC. MIKE: Epicak. SERVO: Jimmy Smits. > AGENT ACTION! is currently in the middle of a heated bidding war > by international distributors. MIKE: [French accent] YOU take eet! SERVO: [German accent] Nein, YOU must take it! >The winner may have more than just an ordinary hit on > its hands. SERVO: Did we mention naked women? > It may have the milestone catalyst of an international event. CROW: Yeah, and...huh? >*********************************************************** >**************************************** CROW: My God, it's full of Perths. > 2 > > OSCAR PICK FAVE FOR 97 ? AGENT ACTION! SERVO: New Super Bleach, with Agent Action. > Talk for the next Oscars has already started. And the news is >overwhelming for one film: AGENT ACTION! CROW: Now I know Oscar the Grouch likes trash, but I don't think he likes trashy MOVIES, as such. > What "ACTION" seems to have is what the current Oscar picks lacked: >both great directing, great acting, and great writing all in one. MIKE: [sarcastic] That is both cool, awesome, and far out. >And the lions credit is aimed at one man; SERVO: And the credit is aimed at one man's loins; >multi -talented star and director William Blair.l SERVO: Who, I reiterate, is not me. > Insiders are predicting Blair may receive the most multiple Oscar >wins ever: As best actor, best director, and best writer. MIKE: Don't you mean, "BOTH best actor, best director, and best writer?" >What's more: as producer and special >effects director of photography consultant: he might also nab the best >picture Oscar and cinematography Oscars, too! Can Blair and AGENT >ACTION! pull off this unprecedented feat? MIKE: Will the Swiss navy conquer the world? SERVO: Can the Amiga become the #1 OS by 1998? CROW: Will Satan be skiing to work? > It would certainly be a day for the all time record books. Of >course this is just speculation at this point. One thing is certain, >though, 1997 is the year for moviegoers to enjoy AGENT ACTION! SERVO: Ask for it at the video store in 1998 and they'll say: AGENT WHO? >-------------------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------------------------- CROW: No more asterisks? >3 > > CAN AGENT ACTION! CRUSH SCHWARZENEGGER? SERVO: Well, yes and no. CROW: Huh? SERVO: I mean yes, we'll can Agent action, and no, we won't crush Schwarzenegger. CROW: Ahh. > One fact seems clear: William Blair is the world's hot new action >star! Not only that, he appears to be a World-Class director as well. MIKE: Two words, Will: Decrease dosage. >It is this multi-talent >capability- and freshness- that has Schwarzeneger and Stallone scared - CROW: Freshness? MIKE: Remember that freshness goes better! SERVO: Arnold Schwarzeneger...is...The Freshmaker! >yes, the >world seems to be saying, replace these old fogies with new talent! SERVO: The voices in my head also seem to be saying, hit them in the dressing room with a pipe. > William Blair, and AGENT ACTION! seem to be the cure for the >movie goers >case of tired old action star Blues! Arnold / Sly - next stop is the >old folks rest home > for you! SERVO: Yes, the voices seem to be saying, slip live ammo into their prop guns... MIKE: Tom, that's just TOO dark. > We're William Blair fans now! Long live # 1 action star William >Blair! - AGENT >ACTION! CROW: Sieg HOOTERS! Sieg HOOTERS! Sieg HOOTERS! > >/////////////////////////////////////////////////////// >/////////////////////////// SERVO: Man o man, I wish those were Traskmobile tracks. >4 > > SEX, NUDITY, AND AGENT ACTION! > > For the many curious to see big breasted naked actresses CROW: I take back every bad thing I said about this movie! SERVO: Woo woo woo woo! MIKE: Um, guys... >in AGENT ACTION!,- >there is good news. CROW: Big gazongas! >A preview/trailer SERVO: Whatever you call them things. >is now reportedly in the cutting stages. > This minute and a half of selected scenes should wet the palate SERVO: ...and the pants... >of the curious. CROW: Massive mammaries! > AGENT ACTION!, a "Bond" type thriller set in the near future, is >highly anticipated. CROW: Golden bozos! SERVO: Crow! MIKE: Do you need a time out, Crow? CROW: [sniffles] I'll be good. >It reportedly features the aforementioned Big breasted actresses ( >including Erika Olsen/ Playboy Mar 97 ) among several other ravishing >beauties. SERVO: Want attention? Use breasts. MIKE: A message from the National Breast Council. > The movie is said to star and be directed by multi talented new >leading man William Blair. SERVO: Who, let me mention again, is not me. >Celebrity guest villains round out the colorful cast. > The movie apparently also features lush exotic locations from >around the world. MIKE: Including the rock quarry down the street, and my uncle's garage! >Excellent cinematography and a tight nit thriller story round out this MIKE: Whoa! Don't speed-read the middle part of that line, guys. >highly anticipated production. > This is probably the most anticipated movie on the planet today. CROW: The anticipation for the highly anticipated production is very high. >And the thought of a trailer - possibly soon downloadable on the net - is >fantastic. SERVO: I used my new NetScape plugin to download the thought of a trailer! >But hurry please! SERVO: [agitated] Ok! Ok! [confused] What am I doing? MIKE: [agitated] I don't know, just DO IT FAST! >The wait is almost more than curious movie buffs can bear! > > >****************** /////////////////////////// >************************* /////////////// SERVO: Bill, you should really choose ONE annoying paragraph separator and stick with it. Asterisks and slashes just don't mix. >5 > > JAPANESE "ABREAST" OF AGENT ACTION! SERVO: [deep voice] I MADE A FUNNY! > > Tokyo. SERVO: Saigon. > If there's one group of moviegoers clamoring to see AGENT > ACTION! - > It's the Japanese. They certainly have a yen > for big breasted naked MIKE: ...Robots! > blondes - and > AGENT ACTION! will supply that - and more! > > Nippon theater owners apparently are in a rare fight to obtain >the first prints of AGENT ACTION! It is said to be the most anticipated >movie in the Orient. CROW: Except for the new Jackie Chan movie. SERVO: And the new Hello Kitty film. >------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ >6 > > WHY DOES AGENT ACTION FEATURE NUDE BREASTS? ALL: Because Will is one obsessed puppy. > 'Cause Secret Agents love them! MIKE: Superspies come runnin' for the great taste of porn! >How could Sean Connery, Roger Moore, or > Pierce Brosnan battle villains without a little jiggle? CROW: [voice of Sean Connery from Goldfinger] Oh, Pussy... > And the same goes for new Agent > extraordinaire William Blair - AGENT ACTION! > > > ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ MIKE: Uh-oh. The asterisks and slashes have cross-bred to produce a bunch of plus signs. >7 > > RUSH - FOR WORLD WIDE RELEASE MIKE: Is that their new album? "For World Wide Release"? SERVO: No, that's what Bill wrote on the package containing the video tape of Agent Action. CROW: And then he got arrested for sending a bomb in the mail! > IS AGENT ACTION! THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE? > Film fans, critics, and cinephiles the world over are engaged in a >heated debate. SERVO: [shocked voice] STUFFING INSTEAD OF POTATOES!? CROW: Less filling! MIKE: Macintosh forever! > Is the new Sci-fi action film AGENT ACTION! the greatest movie ever >made? MIKE: We heard you the first time you asked! CROW: Is the new Sci-fi-action-"Bond"-type-thriller-Agent-Action!-starring new-leading-man-William-Blair-highly-anticipated-big-breasts-bidding war-international-distributors-Olsen-Playboy... ...even FINISHED yet? > Opposition is fierce. Names such as Welles, Kubrick, Scorsese, >Spielberg, and Oliver Stone are of course getting huge support. > Movies such as Citizen Kane, 2001, Goodfellas, ET, and Platoon are >being heralded as the all time champs. > > And yet, the new found furor won't subside. SERVO: Ich bin der new-found fuhrer, und ich will not subside! >AGENT ACTION! now has its own legions of rising vocal fans. CROW: We thank both of you! >And its star/ director William Blair is MIKE: Starving for attention, apparently. >receiving the lion's share of the credit. > Can this new group of fans, of a movie not yet even released be > right? Can the few purportedly bootlegged copies of an advance rough >cut be enough proof? >Is AGENT ACTION! such a highly commendable piece of celluloid? SERVO: Will Ant Man save Lucy from the Dynamite Twins? CROW: Will the narrator stop using so damn many rhetorical questions? > History be damned these new fans seem to be saying. Forget the >work of the "old fogies", William Blair ALL: [tired voice] Who isn't me. >Is the brilliant purveyor of cinema's >future! > > And AGENT ACTION! is proof - at 24 frames per living color >second! > >=============================================================== MIKE: All paragraph dividers are equal. SERVO: But some are more equal than others. CROW: And some girls' mothers are more equal than other girls' mothers. >8 MIKE: Eight...eight...I forget what eight was for... > SEX, ROMANCE, AND AGENT ACTION - WILLIAM BLAIR! > > Girls, Good News - William Blair is single! Yes the 6 ft, 185 lb. >leading man is available! And if his blue eyes don't get you - his >charming and suave manner will! CROW: Was there ever a more pitiful plea for sexual attention? >Check him out in AGENT ACTION! Then in his exciting new upcoming feature >THE RIDE! > >(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( >((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( SERVO: Oh, so the rest of the article is SO parenthetical it's practically non-existent. CROW: This would cause so many LISP errors it's not even funny. >9 > > WAR! - BIDDING BATTLE BREWING SERVO: Bigger bosoms better! MIKE: Beowulf battles big beasts! > Major movie distributors are sharpening their pens. CROW: [Grinding whining noises] SERVO: Mr. Johnson--no, Mr. Johnson, only pencils go in the sharpener. Mr. Johnson... > Agents and Lawyers are taking sides. Telephone faxes are arming for >duty. MIKE: Arm faxes! Calibrate pagers! Copiers on stun! Turbines to speed! > Why? For the bloody battle over the international distribution >rights to AGENT ACTION! > > The movie world landscape is now upside down. How? Witness ancient >releases like Star Wars now doing first run BlockBuster business. Plus >expensive new releases are bombing. SERVO: As are cheap no-name releases like Agent Action! >With this confusion its a new war out there. And formerly >defended movie turf is up for grabs! > > Which studio army can capture the anticipated blockbuster AGENT >ACTION!? > > Will it be a major battaliion force like UNIVERSAL? Of can a rising >guierrila army like Miramax or Gramercy capture the goods? SERVO: I can't take it, guys...I've got to close those parentheses! Here goes...)))))))))))))) CROW: Wow. SERVO: ))))))))))))))))))))))) [pant gasp] MIKE: Hang in there... SERVO: ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))! Phew! > No one can predict the battle's outcome yet. But one victor is >certain: the Audience. The World Audience - millions of popcorn and >action loving troops who will be the happy victors as they embrace >viewing AGENT ACTION! SERVO: Millions of happy people embracing? CROW: Sounds like PR for the 1960's. >^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ SERVO: Next jewelry item: a 54-carat line, embedded in spam! >10 > > WILLIAM BLAIR - TRUE INDEPENDENT - NOT SUNDANCE ASS- KISSER > > While most Independent filmmakers nowadays are just shameless ass >kissers - of Sundance "god" Robert Redford, William Blair stands alone. CROW: No one will play with William Blair. But William Blair is not discouraged. William Blair is running for president. > The so called Independent movie movement is sickening. >Independent - >Independent of what? SERVO: In your case, Will, independent of any redeeming human value. > Most of these films are undisguised "auditions" for studio jobs. >And the cast lists of these movies look exactly like their Studio >cousins: Tori Spelling for godsakes! SERVO: Tori Spelling for godsakes! MIKE: Shannon Daughery for Mayor! CROW: Shoes for industry! > And most of these butt-kiss directors need to start living a >life - rather than patterning these grotesque homages to angst populated >by the ever tiring Steve >Buscemi ( Whoever said this guy could act? ) CROW: You got your ennui in my weltschmerz! SERVO: You got your weltschmertz in my ennui! > The real barfola however, is how the "intelligensia" and >"psuedo hip" are SERVO: ...surrounded by quote marks. >pronouncing Oscar kudos on these lightweight nothing movies. > > Lets face if folks: Ransom was a much better film than Fargo. >Wake up you morons. SERVO: Don't flatter your audience, Bill. >Can anyone even sit through Fargo twice without >falling into a deep coma. CROW: Oh, I sure did love dat Fargo flick. Dat was a good one. SERVO: Oh, yah, and I sure do love dem Packers. > And last years Spitfire Grill - what a joke that was! MIKE: PLEEZ SEND NOOD ONDER WATER SPITFIR GRILS! >It had all the thrills and >technique of a bad TV movie of the week! > > Is there hope? Damn tootin! > And my vote for movie of the year is AGENT ACTION! CROW: Well, that'll put it one vote above "Jungle to Jungle". > It cuts the sprocket holes >off those "independent" lemming-ized ass-kisser movies . > >/////////////////////////////////////////////// >//////////////////////////////// . . . . . SERVO: Why? Why must we endure this? MIKE: What sin could a man commit in a single lifetime... CROW: Uh, guys? I can explain. SERVO: Really? CROW: Yes. Look at this chart. [pulls out this chart:] -------------------------------------------------------- COST OF MUCH-NEEDED [] COST OF PSYCHIATRIC HELP [] INTERNET ACCOUNT [] 50 bazillion dollars [] $20/month -------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: I see. This might explain... SERVO: START to explain. MIKE: This might start to explain... SERVO: ATTEMPT to explain. MIKE: This might start to attempt to explain the madness that is William Blair. Servo: Maybe. CROW: Pretty spiffy chart, huh? [Minivan] PEARL: Sorry guys, I'd love to stay and chat, but I saw a great ad on the personals channel. Seems he's a 5'10'' actor, director, and producer, with enchanting blue eyes--he's coming over to pick me up, so I'm just going to leave the van on cruise control until it's time for this week's experiment, ok? [Satellite of Love] MIKE: Well, I really think... SERVO: [hits Mike] Shhh! MIKE: Oof! [to Servo] What? What? [Minivan] PEARL: Bye, guys. I'm off to spend an exciting evening with...Agent Action! [fixes her lipstick, and pushes the button] -- Stephen Tanner (tanner@math.wisc.edu) IS AGENT ACTION! THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE?