Date: Wed, 23 Jun 2004 18:51:43 -0400
Subject: [ark] Re: KiboMail
Status: RO

In alt.religion.kibology, kibo@world.std.com wrote:

James Vandenberg (james@bocton.vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote:
>
>  We at the Happynet Implementation Project (Preliminary Internet
>  Engineering), as part of the prototypes for Happynet have developed
>  KiboMail. You may have heard, or been invited to Google's new Email
>  service, Gmail. Well, we have something far better. 
>  
>  KIBOMAIL!
>  
>  Benefits of KiboMail:
>  
>  * We don't just give you 1GB of storage. We give you infinite storage.
>    That's right, you can never ever run out of space.

We do this by throwing away all your mail, so that you never fill
up the floppy disk your account is stored on.

>  * Advanced indexing and searching facilities allow you to find any 
>    email, even if you never sent or received it in the first place!

This is accomplished by an application of Kurd Lasswitz's Universal
Search Engine.  If you ask for everything containing "bacon", it
starts at "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabacon" and all the 26-side little wheels
chunk into a new position twice a second so that after a few eons
you'll have a complete list of all strings which could contain "bacon",
and there will be nothing about "bacon" left unsaid.  You will be
all-knowing, and thus almost as smart as me.
  
>  * We don't have spam filters, we have actual spam-assassins who will
>    hunt down and kill anyone who sends you spam, anyone who thinks about
>    sending you spam, or will one day entertain the possibility of sending
>    you spam, or random passersby just for the fun of it. (Of course, once
>    Happynet is fully implemented, spam will not be a problem)

Don't forget the buttons at the upper right corner of every window.
One is "This Is Spam", which deploys the ninjas.  The other is
for times when you want to punish someone for forwarding you a chain
letter but want them to live to learn from their mistake -- it wraps
up 600-volt shocks in well-formed TCP/IP packets and routes them
through the Internet to come out of the keyboard of whoever wrote
what you're looking at.

>  * An email system so advanced, it not only correctly categorises your
>    incoming email, it responds to it with a witty, charming, germane and
>    insightful reply, without you needing to hit a single key!

Never again will you have to answer hard questions like "A/S/L"!
KiboMail will make something up!  It'll even draw a picture of you
and invent some likes and dislikes!  Did you know that you have
a square head with orange eyes and you enjoy TinkerToys, sour mash,
and ammonia?  KiboMail makes you unique when it gives you a
randomly-assigned personality!

>  * No more deciding who to give invitations to. KiboMail works out which
>    of your friends most deserves an invitation, and sends it to them
>    automatically. It also sends invitations to birthday parties and
>    private functions. It even invites people to your next barbecue!
>    That's right! KiboMail invites people you've never heard of to your
>    next get together!

But of course if this gets annoying, you can always click the
"I Have No Friends" button to tell KiboMail to inform everyone on
the entire Internet that you have no friends, and then everyone
will leave you alone.

>  * Free "Kibo" doll with every new account!

It's not a doll, it's an inaction figure!

>  To try KiboMail, follow the link in the next invitation you get!

What if my web browser doesn't support following links?  Is it still
compatible enough with KiboMail for me to get the free inaction figure?

>  Ja-won't-read-your-emails-unless-they-are-very-entertaining-mes

I love the way so many people are worried that employees of their
E-mail provider could be poking through their personal E-mail.
Like the staff doesn't have enough of their _own_ boring E-mail
to wade through, let alone wanting to slog through other people's
even more boring E-mail.

E-mail is the useless service that providers give their customers in
the hopes that they can entertain each other and leave the staff alone.
The people really in the know have all switched to using TurboGopherVR.

                                             -- K.

                                                It's like regular gopher,
                                                just with "Turbo" in the
                                                name to make up for it
                                                being slower.