Date: Sun, 6 Feb 2000 22:09:42 -0500 Subject: Re: Kibaptism Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Status: R David Pacheco writeth: kipper@imap2.asu.edu said: > Nick says that in order for me to be Kibaptised, I have to take a shower with > him. Is this standard operating procedure? Even for guys? Listen: you may just be trolling for flames, but if you are serious, I have a few words of advice: I would recommend against asking that kind of question in this here newsgroup. The sacrament of Baptism in the Kibological Holy Spirit is a ceremony shrouded in controversy and the acrimonious exchange of gunfire between the Holy Elders of the Church, as it has been since it was declared heretical by KiboPope Genie Sequoi IV in 1733. KiboPope Seqoui IV was herself declared heretical two years later, when the Council of Elders Aldritch declared her to be a "lying fuckweasel" and promptly excommunicated her. All those who gathered for the declaration later agreed that the excommunication had been a "tasteful, muted affair", although the procedure had been interrupted midway by a breakaway group pledging allegiance to KiboPope Seqoui IV. They demanded to be themselves excommunicated, a process that involved loudly refusing the salmon mousse in public. But what does the KiBible say about KiBaptism? Unfortunately, not much. To make matter worse, most of what it does say is not accepted by many modern KiBiblical scholars, since KiBaptism is only mentioned in the later KiBible books commonly referred to as the "Whoops! More Gospel!" scriptures. These books, contained only in the "KiBible Plus! Pack", were written as a series of moralizing fables featuring the cast of the 'Peanuts' strip, and many scholars have rejected them as apocryphal. But let's look at Lucy 12:00 to get an idea of where the KiBaptism controversy starts: 12:00 And LO! as they went on their way, they came unto a certain water: and Peppermint Patty asked, See, here is water; what doth hinder us to be KiBaptized. : And Nick of Bensema said, If thou believest with all thine heart, thou mayest; but I do not believe THAT in which thou art standing is really water. And she answered and said, I believe I can FLY, is that close enough? 12:00 And Peppermint commanded the chariot to stand still: and Nick of Bensema went DOWN into the water; and he KiBaptized her. : And when they were come up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord Kibo came down and said unto them: VERILY, for thou have been immersed. 12:00 And the Spirit did HENCE unto the water cast a replica of a tea crate, in the manner of all tourists in Boston. : And did the Spirit speak unto THEM and say, Lo, for you were right four verses ago; that IS not water. 12:00 And the next thing you know, Ol' Nick of Bensema's a millionaire. Pharisee crude. Palestinian gold. As you can see, the original mention of KiBaptism involves using oil as the cleansing/immersion/rebirth fluid: more specifically, crude petroleum. It was this detail which caused scandal in the church during the Exxon-Valdez oil spill crisis, when Capt. Joseph Hazelwood rapidly converted to Kibology minutes after the grounding of his vessel, and declared his intention to "KiBaptize the godless animals of Prince William Sound." He then claim that all charges of neglect of duty against him were to be dropped on religious grounds, and that any further mention of his role in the tragedy would be akin to a "witch hunt". This scandal did nothing to improve the standing of the KiBaptism ceremony in the modern Kibological organization, especially considering the amount of churches that had burned to the ground in recent years during a period of renewed interest in the "KiBaptism by Candlelight" ritual first described in Linus 20:01. A more contemporary version of the traditional KiBaptism, this ritual used more refined petroleum products. 20:01 VERILY, I do anoint the head and body of this child, that HE may be welcomed into the Church of Our Lord Kibo as a full dues-paying member. 20:10 And thus the candle is passed to the Celebrant, who then holds it close to... [ text lost: edges of paper curled and blackened ] 30:01 ...IT! she wailed as the Jerusalem Volunteer Fire Department did DOUSE her hair in flame-retardant foam. No further mentions of KiBaptism occur in the KiBible, except twice in the index, but they refer to the sections I have quoted above. Oh, and some concordances mention it too, but again you will find that they mention the sections noted above. So the whole ritual of KiBaptism is a touchy subject. There is no "correct" and sanctioned way to perform it, although you will be able to determine quite quickly if you are performing it INcorrectly, since the world will immediately end. The end of the world, according to the book of Schroeder, will be heralded by the sound of trumpets, the sound of the firmament ripping in twain, and a massive merger between AOL and Time-Warner. It will also be very hard to catch a cab, and it is predicted that Gilbert Gottfried may not return your calls in a timely fashion. I would therefore suggest that you and Nick go to church counselling before attempting such an act, especially in a manner which (from your short description) sounds very different from the more traditional forms of ceremony. Your local pastor will be able to recommend a plan of action as well as give you a prescription for new Trojan Supras, the condom that not only feels more natural, it transmits body heat as well. New Trojan Supras!(*) Then again, you do not mention what Nick intends to shower you WITH: depending on what he plans to use, the ceremony might still be kosher. But as the Holy Kibo Spirit said: "that ain't water!" > red > who ate sushi with him last night - it has app-eel The whole concept of combining eel with apples or avocadi in sushi should be shot in the head with a hammer, and then drowned with poison. -dp. P.S. If you're the little red-headed girl, does that mean Nick Bensema is Charlie Brown? Answers, please, on a stamped, self- addressed elephant. Send to: I Believe Everything I See on TV c/o That Sexy New Doctor on 'ER' Distemper, NM 23512 EL SALVADOR (*) Do not use New Trojan Supras in contact with skin. Not to be used as a flotation device. May cause spontaneous ectopic pregnancies and retroactive birth defects in user(s). When using New Trojan Supras, do not operate heavy machinery or attempt to drive. Eighteen-wheelers are RIGHT out.