Article 92697 of alt.religion.kibology: From: snick@u.washington.edu (Louis Nick III) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The future of Kibology Date: 8 Sep 1995 08:43:38 GMT Organization: Department of Trollanties HappyNet NEWS: September 8, 2015 Wednesday's latest screensaver line causes Furr. Inc. Stocks to dive; Furr Comments "I should have gotten that T-Shirt Money!" Our Turkish correspondent, Mr. Cosar, was laughing too hard to comment. Senator Thomas Richardson (E-OK) release his second book "Eyes Left: The Coming of Age for Environmental Liberation" which describes what he sees as the future of America under the Environment Parties' rule. Leader Parry had no comment, but was seen perusing the book while buying Mentos. Senator Richardson commented only "Don't tell my wife. She thinks I sell cars in D.C." Alex Suter, Founder of Coffee-a-go-go, announced that his corporation would diversify into the market of Online Services. "I think that everyone should read their respective HappyNet Groups over their coffee." Stock plummeted. Tjames Madison, Owner and Editor-in-Chief of ALUCARD, the largest Online Pop Culture Archive in existance, was arrested by the Electronic Securities and Exchange Commission. An insider in the ESEC said that his contacts within major coffee and screen art firms gave him "an unauthorized advantage." This comes exactly one month after selling ASIEONEIZI, the Archive's client hardware. Justice E. Teflon Piano declared "dibs" on all of DuPont's assets according to the new Meme Act of 2015, passed by Congress yesterday. "Dibs," according to the Act, will expire next September. justice Piano withheld comment pending the arrival of His Attorney. Shel-Mart was closed today in honor of September's arrival. "It gets busier and busier every year; I figure the employees need the break." commented founder Cynthia Sheldon. The store's backround music, a unique brand of Techno, will continue to be piped into the street. Carlos May released Frogger 18.0.0 today, and will run on the new BozOS systems which shipped to stores last week. "This time, you're a frog, but you have to cross the Information Superhighway." said teh proud programmer. Members of the Cult of Xibo mugged him immediately afterwards. Drb. Louis Nick III and his mentor Dr. David Delaney shared the Nobel Prizes for Peace and Physics in Stockholm. Nick and Delaney are responsible for developing Pure Bandwidth, which, when added to HappyNet last month, eliminated lag entirely. Critics say that come September, however, it won't be enough. The Nobel Prize for Industry was awarded posthumously to Matt McIrvin, for harnessing TabDamage to end the VI vs. EMACS flamewar. McIrvin was killed in the conflict, and the award was accepted by General Bill Newcomb. First Lady Michele Tepper stormed out fo the 24th annual Women's Rights Conference in Chatahoochie, TN., after breaking the noses of every delegate from South of the Mason-Dixon Line. She publicly taunted every country in the Northern Hemisphere, and is reported to have left for New Zealand, to join a biker gang. "She needed fresh meat." said one source. Rich Holmes, the Billionaire King of Inner Circle (formerly Palistine) purchased 1/4% of all transmission royalties, an income which would amount to over IC$20 billion per year, increasing every September. His future plans are uncertain, but he has filed with HappyNet.GOV to have his login legally changed to Rich Rosen. Wife Random will also become Random Rosen. Gardner Trask III, Cheif of Educashun, will announce a change in course for HappyNet.K12, and critics are silent. "We haven't a clue what he's gonna do." said one. Andrew S. Damick was finally added to the Net.Legends FAQ, after donating a record sum to the Nobel Prize Committee. Damick holds the Net's record for biggest Ego. Libby Hubbards' body was finally laid to rest last night, as the Church of Scientology, Ltd. lost its legal claim to her corpse. Hubbard, whowas murdered by a deranged poet known only as "Monkeyboy" last year, has been the center of a custody conflict between the CoS and the Church of Neutopia. While the CoN has been banned in most nets, it has garnered support in IRC. While the reasons for this otucome are unknown, Matt Schnierle, of Megabozo.Config used this example to further his suspicions of a worldwide HappyNet Cabal. Finally, Joseph Richard Koleszar was found Guilty of the murder of Ron Brown and Nicole Simpson. The Big JeRK, as he is called by the public, appeared before Judge Hong Ooi, as the jury foreman read the verdicts. Koleszar is currently serving a life term on Helvetica Is. for attempted assasination of Leader Kibo. -- "There's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong." -Graham Chapman Louis Nick III, Tr.D. snick@saul.u.washington.edu Article 93045 of alt.religion.kibology: Path: gaia.ns.utk.edu!cs.utk.edu!cssun.mathcs.emory.edu!emory!swrinde!tank.news.pipex.net!pipex!news.uoregon.edu!news.u.washington.edu!snick From: snick@u.washington.edu (Louis Nick III) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The future of Kibology Date: 10 Sep 1995 06:27:14 GMT Organization: Department of Trollanties Lines: 75 Message-ID: <42u0g2$cst@nntp4.u.washington.edu> References: <42ovnq$t1l@nntp4.u.washington.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: saul2.u.washington.edu NNTP-Posting-User: snick HappyNet NEWS: September 9, 2015 HappyNet.GOV dissolved the Church of Scientology in a landmark move against Net.religion. Critics charged the .GOV with quashing Freedom of Thought, until the .GOV's Attorneys, led by the man known only by the handle "Jesse Garon", were able to prove to .DoJ that the Scientologists were not, in fact, thinking. HappyNet.MIL quashed the revolution that followed amongst the former church members. atf.MIL was excepted from the action, as their status is still pending from the Long Island Incident, whence they ousted former radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh, and systematically shot all of his books. Dubbed "Ruby Ridge XIII", the incident will be reenacted as a major motion .MPG, directed by Ron Howard, Jr. Mentos was successfully Cloned today by researchers at the Center for Infectious Disease. The team of Scientists was headed by Drb. Joseph "Bay" Science, pioneer of Pez cloning and chief negotiator during the 2011 Mentos Bowl Riots, when the entire teams of Stanford and University of Washington were eaten alive, save for the mascots. Leader Kibo returned from his trip to Camp Letterman via usmc.MIL 1, and will have Drb. Science flown to the White House immediately to discuss policy on distributing the much-needed commodity. Drb. Science was a junior member of the team that discovered Mentos' cancer-curing abilities, as will as the effects on a human being's longevity. Mentos Futures are on hold in Chicago, pending confirmation of the feat. In related news, .GOV granted Rutgers University a sci. grant to give financially disadvantaged users a chance to pursue a Doctorbate's degree in Science. Elisabeth Higgins, the so-called "Midwest Madam", has been release on bail for the 1430 counts of 3rd degree Manslaughter when she allegedly blew up every USWEST employee in the phone book. One Judge has been removed from the case after absurdly stating that, off the record, it was a case, or rather, 1430 cases of "justifiable homocide." The case will be retried by a judge in the domain of Bell Atlantic. When asked for a comment, Ms. Higginz only replied that now that the male indentured-servant contracts are legal, her business is booming and she needs fear no judge. Subway Corp. Closed it's doors today when the cheese served on vitually ever sub sold was declared Unreasonable by a California Judge. Justice E.T.Piano release the decision, saying only "We'll miss the Subway Melt." The terrorist group "CaJ" struck HappyNet once again, causing the entire megabozo.pets.* hierarchy to reset, and all archives and posts were lost. Some in the nonbozo.* hierarchy are beginning to wonder if "CaJ" is not a terrorist group, but a vigilante group. Pope Michael Straight III, scheduled to meet with Leader Kibo at Camp Letterman today, instead enjoyed drinks and CHYX with Dean Adams, the head of NASA and Megabozo.Alien.visitors. The two reportedly discussed the arrival of the alien fleet, due on the 27th. When Adams was asked if this arrival was too soon, the former psy-op replied "Nah. We've been preparing for their retu^H^H^H^Harrival for some time." Pope Michael III nodded and smiled for the Camera's. JPEG in thirty seonds. Net.Archeologists discovered a corpse wearing GAP Khaki pants in the ruin of AOL Headquarters in Louden, VA. The body is rumored to belong to former Nirvana head Kurt Cobain, but more conventional theory has it as the president of AOL. The AOL.HQ was destroyed by the CaJ and the Electro-Magnetic Pulse from the nuclear blast erased all remants of the online service, 19 years ago. Additionally, 112,403,100 3.5" diskswere erased while sitting in the mail room, waiting to be launched. The CaJ's invitation to dine at the White House has still not been accepted. They Might Be Giant Barenaked Ladies, inarguably the worlds most famous and popular band, began their Biggest tour yet, hitting 14002 service providers. The Rolling Stones will open for the band. -- "There's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong." -Graham Chapman Louis Nick III, Tr.D. snick@saul.u.washington.edu