Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 18:18:24 -0400 Subject: [ark] Re: 2003: The Year In Review Status: RO In alt.religion.kibology, talysman@globalsurrealism.com wrote: Someone asked for a "2003 Year In Review" article on the LiveJournal kibology community ( http://www.livejournal.com/community/kibology/ ). I'm not sure why the request came this late (heck 2004 is practically OVER!) but I decided to give it a shot. JANUARY Chinese people obsessed with learning English accidentally destroy several villages; Inframan is alerted. Meanwhile, the Pentagon issues fleece pullovers and several pounds of cocaine to American troops in an effort to build an army of "supersoldiers" well-suited to overthrow George Jefferson. Scientists reveal that we are rapidly running out of history, after discovering that the last Roman emperor died in an Arizona Motel 6 in the late '50s. This discovery, unfortunately, is completely obscured by the discovery of the Ladder of Hate. The major media outlets choose to focus on how fat everyone is, instead. Telepathic cattle from Talos IV invade the Scottish highlands and accidentally turn Barry Manilow into a British woman. In his ensuing rage. Tim Chmielewski kills Nell Carter. The very first bee-like hissing is detected. I teach a puppy to speed-date while wearing a hazmat suit and clone an army of undead christian rat-men. The Raelians take offense and announce the birth of an imaginary baby in retribution. Fortunately, they are unable to discover my secret headquarters, staffed by Amish Sumerians. FEBRUARY Phil Spector deflects death ray with his Wall of Noise. I married Paula in a magnificent PIRATE WEDDING! But she divorces me when she finds out I'm living with a POSSUM, her mortal enemy! Penguins destroy every building in Antarctica and beat back the human invaders; in a simultaneous attack, blood-sucking crows devour 19 sheep. Meanwhile, a fleet of radio-controlled pirates attack Austria's valiant battletractor factories. Austria retaliates by creating ZOMBIE PIRATES. Revjack attacks David Hasselhoff and his wife with death ray, only manages to wing 'em. Someone kills Mr. Rogers around the same time, but I'm not sure who; possibly Kibo. MARCH Mad scientists invent monkey robot babies and robot bees, mistakenly believing these are good ideas. It is revealed that one of the scientists once "stuck a french fry up each nostril during lunch and said, ''Look mom, I'm a walrus.''" Mexican mad scientists create Alushe De Pelushe, the hairy midget wrestler. The phrase PEACE ON EARTH is outlawed as a form of hatespeech. War begins. no weapons of magical destruction were injured in the making of this war. During the hostilities, France patiently explains that french toast is from Belgium, not France; the US bombs them anyways. APRIL David Bromage kills Edwin Starr with deathray. GOOD GOD, Y'ALL! In protest, Heinz introduces a blue ketchup product line. INTERROBANG CARTEL is formed to celebrate. Dr. Laura finally figures out her mother died. The United States captures Saddam Hussein's 1st Edition Advanced Dungoens & Dragons books. Scientists discover that the universe is made up of an infinite number of tiny pasta frogs. To reseasch this further, Rex Annex, rocket-piloteer, is assigned jury duty. Usenet and the Roman Empire both celebrate their tenth anniversary. MAY American soldiers are issued X-Ray Specs, as well as trained Sea Monkeys. Gene Rayburn's head crumbles into rubble somewhere in New Hampshire. Shatner gets the semen sued out of him; then, to add insult to injury, his classic "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" is named one of the worst songs ever. The Oregon Mental Health Department valiantly searches for certified klingon translators ("just in case".) They find one in Microsoft's new iLoo computerized toilet, breaching Kylie Minogue's copyright. JUNE Ronald McDonald is revealed to be an entire army of clones that exist OUTSIDE THE LAW. Matt McIrvin defeats them by dressing as Baby Caley and explaining the secrets of nutrition. Bob Hope drains the life from David Brinkley and Gregory Peck. JULY Five pairs of donkeys are forced to get married in Indi to avert a gelatinous cube invasion. Astronomers announce that help is on the way in the form of SPACE PUPPIES. Princess Diana begins her postmortem film career, mainly to please an Arkansas man who woke up from a 19-year coma to find that mullets were no longer in style. Hollywood announces a new Garbage Pail Kids movie. Bob Hope finally dies in horror. AUGUST Microsoft steals Jeremy Impson's job and blacks out most of the eastern coast of North America as a consequence. Nothing else happened for the entire month because everyone was too busy running for President of California. SEPTEMBER Mad scientists invented Spock-like tricorders shaped like laser points that can be used to check a cat's temperature while driving it insane. God attempts to strike down Stacia with a lightning bolt. German dogs stage a protest walkies in Berlin demanding equal public transportation rights. One german shepherd was dressed as a bumblebee and two others were dressed as nuns. Struggling with each other over the deathray, several kibologists manage to kill Jack Ritter, Warren Zevon, Johnny Cash, Edward Teller, and either Charles Bronson or Bronson Pinchot (who are really the same person, anyways.) Arnold Schwarzenegger says "no one" knows what California's budget is. Determined to prove he would make a better governor than Schwarzenegger, Captain Morgan throws his hat into the ring. OCTOBER Raelians mistakenly announce that hair is an antenna for telepathy, when really it's an insulator. A cat rescues a baby lamb from drowning in a pool. One of Siegfried and Roy's tigers tries to wean Roy and accidentally elects him governor of California, dashing Gary Coleman's hopes. Southern California sets fire to itself in revenge. In Germany, a bunch of people get arrested for Hitler-related crimes: the german Fonzi dresses up as Santa Claus to provoke the nazis, while another man teaches his dog to salute Hitler. NOVEMBER George Bush announces that he watched tv when he was a kid. Another politician who smears chocolate on her face forced passage of a local initiative declaring "WE LIEK TEH NATURE 'CAUSE IT IS CLOSE TO US". Pigs and iguanas start attacking people in Norway; even disciplined police dogs start taking candy from strangers. Prison wardens in Kentucky decided to adopt a controversial rule that all prisoners in women's penitentiaries must actually be women. The Matt assassinates Jonathan Brandis and steals the SeaQuest submarine. DECEMBER Jorn Barger gives up the internet and begins roaming the country in an armored barcalounger, looking for other survivors of the apocalypse. This may have been precipitated by the imminent death of JenniCam. The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) declares the United States to be under The Law o' the Briney Deep and uses the BPL to cause widespread destruction until Don Saklad comes to the rescue. The Magic Mirror from Romper Room was stolen in a mugging incident in Southern California. No deathray activity detected. -- Talysman the Ur-Beatle, ANNALS LIZER